A cocktail mix


My cousin made a comment the other day over lunch as a joke to my boys when he brought us a bottle of water, “here you go boys some Vodka, let’s have shots”. He did not know when making that joke this time last year that’s exactly what I used to do. That comment took me back to the time in my life when even wine was not helping with the numbness of the mind & body, so I found Vodka. I chose Vodka because it was the easiest alcohol I could disguise from my husband. I would put it in my water bottle thinking I can hide it that way, and as I was doing this I knew that I had officially hit rock bottom, but did nothing to make any changes as my craving for that next drink was so much stronger. Who knew some one like me with such a vivacious personality will get to this point, but it happened.

Moving onto vodka wasn’t cheap, but I justified my purchase somehow. I always bought the cheapest brand as this wasn’t about tasting fine alcohol and savoring the taste, no this was about getting drunk so I can numb the pain enough to sleep. That was another problem I had insomnia. This was due to all the raging thoughts in my head and my pain actually being worse when I am lying down therefore the cocktail mix of pain mediction & alcohol helped me to have at least couple of hours of sleep.


I was riddled with so much guilt that I was going further & further into my hole, spending at least if not more then $100-$200/week on just alcohol, money we couldn't afford to throw away considering we were living on one person's salary. I was guilty because I wasn’t working, I was feeling guilty because I was in my room more often then not, I was feeling guilty because I was limited in doing certain activities with my family because of my illness & so to suppress all that guilt I continued to go to the liquor shop. My life became one big story of hypocrisy, but I couldn’t stop myself, I will just make those excuses & keep going.

With the excessive drinking came the excessive eating, KFC, Macdonald’s, pies and off course lots & lots of chocolates! I craved it & I will eat what I can easily get my hands on & junk food is readily available. The Menulog & Ubereats app became my best friends.