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Behind the scenes

I was going through my photos as I had a photo in mind that I have been wanting to write about then I came across this photo, I stared at it for awhile before I decided once again to rip of that band aid and be truly vulnerable. How do you know what is really going on behind the scenes? When you look at this photo you will see a mum having fun with her boys, but there was so much hidden behind that smile. I remember this day clearly and as I look back on it now I am so disappointed in myself for who I was back then, this is the day that I hated myself the most for the choices I made. It was a beautiful sunny day and the boys wanted to go to the pool but I just didn’t have the energy to take them, so they asked if they can play in the paddle pool, that in itself is a lot of work but I couldn’t disappoint them again so I took it out and filled it up. But I did not want to join them, again it was the lack of mental & physical energy, doing anything like playing with the boys was hard work so holidays were extra tough. They were asking me to join and the guilt took over so I overcame it the only way I knew how back then. I went to my closet & took out the bottle of Vodka I had hiding in my drawer and took a few shots before I headed out back to try and actually have fun with my boys. Few shots didn’t help so I had to keep going back to have more shots till I got to the level I felt I could start enjoying myself, when the vodka took over my mind and body so I can forget about everything and just live in the moment. I ask myself now looking back, what mother does that? What mother needs alcohol so she can have fun with her kids? When I look back on my time this is was probably the hardest and saddest for me. This post brings tears to my eyes and I guess that’s why I try so hard now and spend as much time I can possible with my boys so I can make up for those lost days. 😢😔

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