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Looking in the mirror

What a crazy weekend it was, running around trying to organise things for my Son’s birthday as he was having not just one gathering but two!! Midst of it all I decided to get my hair done, why not right? Make the crazy weekend even crazier! And I didn’t go for my standard black colour to hide my gray, nope I wanted a whole new me. A new colour, a cut & a blow dry!

As I sat there with foils on my head I looked up and decided to take a photo so I can share it with my sister, just a funny photo of me with a caption “don’t I look sexy”? Something that was definitely out of my comfort zone. In October 2019 I went to get my hair done for my cousins wedding and when I looked up into the mirror all I saw was someone that disgusted me, someone fat, someone so ugly that, and getting my hair done was a total wast of money & time. I saw a version of me I was disappointed in and disliked, I avoided looking at that mirror in front of me and I definitely did not take a photo to share. I hated mirrors, I hated taking photos of myself and if I was able to avoid these two things at all costs then I can continue to live the life I was living, I didn't have to see me, see what I was doing to myself.

The other photo was also taken on the same birthday weekend, by my cousin who is the joker in the family. He took a similar photo of me back in 2018 when we had a cousins get together at a restaurant. He took a photo of me in the middle of putting a chip in my mouth and started laughing, just being his funny self. However, all I saw in that photo was this fat, ugly person shoving food into her mouth and I didn’t want any evidence of it. He Off course refused to delete it and I lost my s*it! I created such a drama and no one could understand why I was reacting so badly, my poor cousin was in total shock. However all I saw was a blob of ugliness, and I didn’t want to see that person. I wanted to avoid that person at all cost and now there was this picture, evidence of how fat I was and I didn’t want anything to do with it.

I was so embarrassed and humiliated not at the way I was behaving, which in hindsight was a total over reaction and that’s what I should have been embarrassed about, no it was that damn photo. Looking at it, at this ugly person staring back at me and all I wanted to do was go back to my hiding place and drink my self into a state of unknown and that’s exactly what I did that evening. It was easier that way, I didn’t have to pretend to smile and be happy, I didn’t have to look at myself in the mirror or take photos, I can just be me and hide away from everyone and everything.

Now as I look at these recent photos of me all I see is me in real life situations, I finally see me. I don’t care if I look weird or not looking all dressed up and pretty, I don’t care what someone will think of me when they look at these photos. Because after many many years of berating myself for the way I look, for not being skinny enough, not being pretty enough. I can look at these photos and see them for what they are, two funny ridiculous photos of me!

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