"Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul"
Most people will showcase their wine collection with full bottles, but alcohol in my house never lasted too long being full. Something that started as self medication to numb the pain just became a habit & part of everyday life. I knew that I was drinking too much and hiding how much I was drinking was definitely something to frown about but I wouldn’t truly accept I had a problem.
My husband at times will make comments as joke that I was becoming an alcoholic and I will get so mad because he just didn’t know the pain I was in and it was the only thing keeping me going, but I guess my anger came from knowing that he was right knowing I was just making excuses. He was however gracious enough not to push the argument as he knew I wasn’t ready to hear the truth.
My life continued this way and I kept getting deeper and deeper into my hell. I was just living doing the bare minimum, in my head I thought I was doing enough.
My pain began to get worse there was at least 4 days out of the 7 where I could hardly move, my muscles would cease up and I felt like someone was pricking me with lots of tiny needles all down my arm, nothing will make these sensations go away and I remember days where I would curl up into a ball in my dark room crying as the pain was so excruciating. All I wanted at that stage was to leave this earth, I didn’t want to be here anymore and I felt that me not being around will be less of a burden for my husband. He married a strong self sufficient woman and I had turned into this weak, helpless person.....