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Numbing the noise

My spiral in early 2018 began slowly, it started with one bottle of wine every few days then increased to one a night. Then even one a night wasn’t numbing all the noise in my head & the noise was deafening. I hated the person I was becoming but I couldn’t stop it.

I was feeling guilty because I couldn’t help my husband financially, I went from being a successful career woman to nothing. I was angry at the doctors for damaging me and making me the way I am, at times I was even angry at my son because all of this began during his horrific delivery, then the guilt will set in again, because he is my sunshine and my angel.

There were many days I didn’t want to leave my bed, or I will get up drop the boys off to school & go straight to bed and stay there till I had to pick up the boys. Then come home make sure the boys were sorted & go straight back to bed. My room was my hideout, it was my sanctuary.

But my worst days began when wine replaced coffee and my brain will say “it’s 5 pm somewhere” I opened a door I found very difficult to close. This didn’t happen often but it happened enough, it was the only way I couldn’t feel my pain, only time I felt happy, so I thought. I did all this behind closed doors, I masked this so well even my closest family didn’t know how far I have gone. I just wanted to have 5 min of peace from the pain, 5 min of peace from all the guilt for not being the best I could be as a wife, mother and daughter, 5 min of peace from all the noise in my head. I started to become what you call a “functioning alcoholic”.