What a crazy year this has been, in the midst of a pandemic, so much unknown around us with protocols constantly changing. However regardless of all this saga and chaos in my external environment, this is probably the calmest I have been in years. It such a surreal feeling to finally be at peace and to finally love yourself and accept who you are. Something I haven’t done for a long time.
As the weight began to pile on, mirrors & cameras became my worst enemy. I lived in tights and t-shirts as I didn’t feel beautiful enough to be in anything else. I began to make excuses for dinner invitations and gatherings because it was just too hard, and putting on a happy face when you were dying inside was becoming exhausting and was just easier to stay at home and hide.
Ever since this illness took over my body in 2013 I have been unsettled and unsure of my future, I didn’t know how bad my pain was going to get as the years went on. I didn’t know if one day I will end up in the wheelchair because the pain becomes too much to bare. I guess I still don’t know what the future holds, it can still happen but mentally I’m stronger now then I have ever been before and finally ready to control this illness rather then let it control me. So as the world goes crazy around me I feel as if I am standing at the top of the mountain finally feeling alive!